Sorry for my lack of posts this week! Life has been CRAY-ZEE! I promise to update more next week. In the mean time, here's an Honest to Blog post I wrote up a couple weeks ago:
Lately I've been thinking a lot about love. What I look for in a guy, what I want my next relationship to be like, etc. The thing I've found myself wondering most often, though is: where did I go wrong last time? The last time I had a crush on a guy he turned out to definitely be the Mr. Wrong for me. But why? I had my priorities straight, he just turned out to be not what I thought he was. I felt like I should have known, but at the same time how could I have? What was it about him that made him wrong for me? Then yesterday the answer hit me (and funnily enough, it's the same reason I found myself not liking a different friend of mine last year) he didn't really know himself.
Now I'm not one of those people that think it takes 20+ years to "find yourself" but I do think that a rudimentary knowlege of who you are is necessary to get through life. But the guy I liked had no idea who he was or what he wanted out of life - and because of that, I never really knew him. I liked an idea of him that I don't think ever really existed.
But I suppose it's no wonder that I liked him. I saw the pain that he was going through and I empathized with him maybe a little too much. Being hurt is something that none of us can control but we can control how we react to it. I don't want to let the pain I've lived through rule my life. I don't want to survive with open wounds, I want to thrive with scars. I think that's something that's really misunderstood about scars. There's always that emotional scene in books/movies when the MC is like "I have scars" as a reason why they're so distrustful/bitter, but that's a handicap - not a scar. I have scars on my body, and 99% of the time they don't hurt. Sometimes they do, if hit in exactly the right way, but most of the time they're just a part of me. An injury that I've healed and moved on from. Most of the time, they don't affect my day-to-day life. I want my emotional injurys to heal the same way.
And even though I'm a long way from it, I feel so much closer to that than I ever have before. I feel like a confident young woman - not a scared little girl. I've done so much over the past year that would have paralyzed me just a couple years ago (ok, not literally, but you get the idea!) and I am so proud of myself for that! I feel like, for the first time in my life, I know who I am, what I like and what I want. I love rockabilly clothing, classic cars and doowop music. I'm a nerd. I'm a country girl. I'm me and I don't need anyone to complete me. I don't want someone to be my missing puzzle piece I just want them go through this crazy thing called life alongside me so we can be awesome together.
Make sense? I hope so.