I don't know how to start this post so I guess I'll just come out and say it: I was caught up in a manipulative/controlling relationship all through high school and even for a while after I graduated. And no, it wasn't a romantic relationship. I know some people think that you can't be in a bad "relationship" if it's not romantic. Let me be the first to inform you that this is not true
I'm the oldest grandchild on both sides of the family, so I've never had any older friends/family to look up to. So when I was a freshman in high school, and I met a girl who was several years older than me, who was talented and popular, and for some reason sought me out... well, I couldn't help but be flattered.
We spent every minute of the day talking and texting - even when I was with other friends or family - and looking back, I'm really embarrassed at how much I let her manipulate me. I'm embarrassed that all she had to do was say a few words and I would do whatever she wanted. I'm embarrassed that I cut myself off from the rest of my family and friends because "no one else 'got' me." But I just have to keep telling myself that, hey! I was fifteen, full of hormones and emotions and a new Christian to boot.
But then things started to get worse. She blamed me for everything: I left her out, didn't love her enough, was too worldly, too focused on growing up, worried too much, talked too much, didn't help her enough, was a terrible friend, dressed badly, shouldn't like tattoos or colored hair, shouldn't be happy when she was sad, shouldn't be sad when she was happy, should talk to her all day long, answer her messages right away, not spend more time with my other friends than I did with her, be there whenever she needed any little thing and ask for nothing in return. She yelled at me, ignored my problems and demanded my attention.
Then I started to see things differently...
I tried reasoning with her. I tried begging her. I tried explaining to her. I yelled just to make my voice heard. But it made less than no difference. I got apologies but in the end it didn't last more than a couple days. We'd fight and I'd think this would be the end, she'd apologize and we'd try again.
In the end, I had to end it. But the pain didn't stop.
It was - and is - really hard, but the more I'm away from her the more my eyes have been open. Now I want to forgive her and get healthy again. I want to move on, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss her. I miss talking to her, and feeling like I had someone I could depend on no matter what.
Because even though I know it's unhealthy for me to be around her, I still love her so much. She has so much potential and so much good inside her if she could just take responsibility for her actions.
So that's my story. And for those of you wondering, no, I am not writing this out of anger/revenge/bitterness/passive aggressiveness. I'm writing this out of the hope that maybe, just maybe, not hiding the hurt is the first step to healing. And in the hopes that if anyone reading this is going through a similar experience, they'll realize that they're not alone and no, they're not crazy or bad friends like I thought I was. I'm not an expert, but if anyone out there is going through something similar and just wants someone to listen/give an outside opinion/let them know that they're not alone, don't hesitate to drop me a line. My email is katie(at)beautifully-pure(dot)com. I know how exhausting/frusterating/heartbreaking a situation like this can be, and I'd love to everything I can to help.
God bless and I hope you all are having a great day.
♥
Thank you for sharing your story with us Katie. I had a similar situation and I know how hard it can be to have such a controlling friend.
ReplyDeleteGlad things are getting better for ya :)
I think it is excellent that you are willing to open up and say where you have been vulnerable and how you were able to get through the situation with help. I am glad that you have overcome the manipulated relationship and learn from it (and that you were able to get out and move on). I pray that she will not hurt anyone else and has learned too. Although you may not be able to have a good relationship again, it is good that you forgive her and hope to reconcile the situation. I hope that if anyone else is in a situation like yours, they can get out after reading this and find hope.
ReplyDelete+Victoria+
I'm glad you were able to break free of that bad relationship. It takes a lot of guts and courage to let go of something that a part of you still wants to hold onto. It's for the best and you made the right decision. You will be better for it in the end and able to just be YOU...which, by the way, is a really awesome person. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if we've talked about this before, but I relate to this so much it's scary. Something about reading this though really makes me believe that no matter what, everything is going to be okay. <3
ReplyDeleteGood for you for being able to move on and distance yourself! I had a really bad friend who treated me like crap through highschool and my first year of college. We ended up going our seperate ways and I couldn't be happier! I should have done it sooner.
ReplyDelete-Jessi
haircutandgeneralattitude.blogspot.com
So sorry to hear you had to put up with this, but I really do think that opening up and really feeling things is the biggest step towards easing the pain. Relationships are messy - there's no two ways about it, and even when we know somethings wrong for us, its still really hard to just turn it all off. Thinking of you :) x
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you had to go through this. I've been through quite a similar situation/ "friendship" and eventually realised it wasn't what a friendship should be and escaped. It's not easy to do that though, it's a really difficult process. You should be proud of yourself for doing so :) I'm sure you did the right thing. I think it's great that you shared this post :)
ReplyDeleteAww so sorry but this person is hurting too and heartbroken that she can't make things right. She misses you and because of words said out of hurt and sickness it has caused a rift that only God can heal. When a person has IBSand sickall the time it can make their emotions go all crazy. I pray you will find it in your hearts to forgive each other and be friends again. Remember she is in pain also.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story! Unfortunately, it's a really relatable situation. But, you've made it through to the other side and can look back on it now and see exactly what was going on and have clarity on the situation. It's definitely not an ideal thing to go through, but it's good to go through it & learn from it so you can avoid that kind of friendship in the future. (at least, that's what I've taken away from my own situation like this)
ReplyDeleteYou know (and of course, as a girl, I have no way of proving this!) but I think it's so easy for girls to fall into these kinds of friendships with each other. We're taught as girls to be competitive and to try and get to the top and look and be the best...but then we're also taught that we're meant to have these really strong, "sister-like" bonds with our friends. It can be hard to reconcile the two!
ReplyDeleteI think removing yourself from the friendship is obviously the best place you could have started to make a change. I'm pretty inspired by your honesty here, it's hard to talk about such complicated and hurtful issues. It's lovely to see you trying to move forward with forgiveness and with love in your heart for your old friend.