Lately I've been thinking a lot about love. What I look for in a guy, what I want my next relationship to be like, etc. The thing I've found myself wondering most often, though is: where did I go wrong last time? The last time I had a crush on a guy he turned out to definitely be the Mr. Wrong for me. But why? I had my priorities straight, he just turned out to be not what I thought he was. I felt like I should have known, but at the same time how could I have? What was it about him that made him wrong for me? Then yesterday the answer hit me (and funnily enough, it's the same reason I found myself not liking a different friend of mine last year) he didn't really know himself.
Now I'm not one of those people that think it takes 20+ years to "find yourself" but I do think that a rudimentary knowlege of who you are is necessary to get through life. But the guy I liked had no idea who he was or what he wanted out of life - and because of that, I never really knew him. I liked an idea of him that I don't think ever really existed.
But I suppose it's no wonder that I liked him. I saw the pain that he was going through and I empathized with him maybe a little too much. Being hurt is something that none of us can control but we can control how we react to it. I don't want to let the pain I've lived through rule my life. I don't want to survive with open wounds, I want to thrive with scars. I think that's something that's really misunderstood about scars. There's always that emotional scene in books/movies when the MC is like "I have scars" as a reason why they're so distrustful/bitter, but that's a handicap - not a scar. I have scars on my body, and 99% of the time they don't hurt. Sometimes they do, if hit in exactly the right way, but most of the time they're just a part of me. An injury that I've healed and moved on from. Most of the time, they don't affect my day-to-day life. I want my emotional injurys to heal the same way.
And even though I'm a long way from it, I feel so much closer to that than I ever have before. I feel like a confident young woman - not a scared little girl. I've done so much over the past year that would have paralyzed me just a couple years ago (ok, not literally, but you get the idea!) and I am so proud of myself for that! I feel like, for the first time in my life, I know who I am, what I like and what I want. I love rockabilly clothing, classic cars and doowop music. I'm a nerd. I'm a country girl. I'm me and I don't need anyone to complete me. I don't want someone to be my missing puzzle piece I just want them go through this crazy thing called life alongside me so we can be awesome together.
Make sense? I hope so.
This is a very thoughtful and honest post. I empathise a lot with the feelings you've stated here, and way to go for knowing and accepting who you are! :)
ReplyDeleteI love this post, Katie! You put into words so many of the things I've been feeling lately. And I agree--I'm not looking for a guy who is my other half, just someone who's willing to love me for myself and be a companion on my crazy trek through life.(:
ReplyDeleteAnd it's wonderful that you "know yourself"--I think I've just about gotten to that stage as well. I'm a geek, I'm an introvert, I love swing music and old things, and I'm a Christian (above all). That's who I am, and knowing that and being comfortable with that gives a great boost in confidence.
~Vicki
Decked Out in Ruffles
I love your post! I completely get what you mean by,"Knowing Yourself"! I've been doing so much of that lately, and realizing how much I'm still emotionally growing and changing! I know my dreams already, but it's more my personality that is still changing some. There things that I hadn't liked before, that are now starting to grow on me! I guess that's part of how life works, though! You never stop growing and changing! Do you think you could start including a linky for these posts? I'd love to do honest to blog posts, if that's ok with you! I think they are such an awesome idea, and I'm glad you came up with them! Blessings to you,
ReplyDeleteRachel
"I don't want to survive with open wounds, I want to thrive with scars."
ReplyDelete^^I LOVE THAT! <3 <3
Hi Dahl sis :) This is a wonderful post! It is a definite must for me to have someone in my life who knows what he wants. My husband and I when we were just dating spit out all that we expected of ourselves and our future spouse. The problem with that though is, if you find yourself revealing these things to someone you do not trust and likes you A LOT, they might just pretend to be your dream guy.
ReplyDeleteWe both told each other our expectations---topics around faith, when we wanted to see ourselves married, children, MUSIC & MOVIES, relocating, etc. We basically didn't want to pursue each other if one of those things didn't line up! Thankfully, almost everything, if not everything was a match. It was truly a godsend to find someone almost identical as me but also complimentary.
I've been married for 4 years now, and he and I still keep discovering new things about each other. Some are good and some are not so good, but you know what... you just keep loving on! Expect that you won't know the person you're about to marry fully, but it's okay. Others who try to find the ideal person might not be the most ideal for them, and the search might take way too long, etc. Just believe that God has a plan for you, and whatever it is will be good. :)
P.S. That photo of you is absolutely gorgeous <3
great post!
ReplyDeleteSO great!!!
ReplyDeleteMay God bless you in time with a man who knows who he is because he's established himself in a true relationship with Jesus!!!
+Victoria+
Totally makes sense! It's an awesome feeling when you have realizations like that.
ReplyDeleteP.S. you look STUNNING in that last picture! (you look stunning in all of them, but wowza in that last one!)
xo http://www.whyyesdeer.blogspot.com